If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep
with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait
around forever.
Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do
both, often.
A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a
fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large
glasses of straight vodka.
Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face,
really hard.
Pretend you're pregnant.
Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't
convenient, fake your own death.
Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding!
Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be
sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or
have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in
some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and
try to choke you.
If you get fired, get drunk.
Call your ex-wife "Baby."
If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your
shirt and do it by the pool.
Randomly insult the people around you.
Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll
be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane
asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily
sedated.
If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better job at twice the salary.
A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch
of times.
Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career
doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
All women are size 6 or smaller.
There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).
All men are seducible if they are straight.
Gay couples rarely kiss..., and if they do it's reported by the
major networks.
No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture
appears in the opening credits.
All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael
tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael,
Amanda and Bobby Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly
tried to kill the whole cast).
In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to
chief of staff in 2 seasons.
In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from
receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.
You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine.
You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA
(Richard) will still hire you.
If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE
bandage.
When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair
back to shoulder length.
When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week",
it's time to go out and get a life.
You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist
at a doctor's office.
You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long
as you fall on top of another body.
Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other
sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian
Guy/Sydney/Jane).
If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be
the person who has visited the building least often.
You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within
one month after your release from a mental hospital.
Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks
about it again.
A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not
by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue.
There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.
Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your
roots show after bleaching it.
Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy
Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.