The Encylopedia of One Liners

• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• When there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• All generalizations are false.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
• ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
• Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
• Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Do witches run spell checkers?
• Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
• Department of Redundancy Department
• Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
• Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
• COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
• Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
• Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
• Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
• The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
• BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
• The name is Baud......, James Baud.
• BUFFERS =20 FILES =15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
• Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
• C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
• Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
• Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
• Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
• Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
• E Pluribus Modem
• ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
• Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
• A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
• An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
• CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
• 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
• Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
• Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
• SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
• Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
• Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
• RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
• Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
• All computers wait at the same speed.
• DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
• ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
• E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
• Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
• All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
• Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
• DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE =FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
• Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS =OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
• Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
• Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
• REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
• Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
• Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
• Read my chips: No new upgrades!
• 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
• I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
• Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
• Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
• Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
• Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
• (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
• If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
• Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
• Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
• Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.