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 GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

 God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. 

 In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few to
  moments answer the following questions.

  Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
  confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
  unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


  1. How did you find out about your Deity?
  ___  Newspaper
  ___  Bible
  ___  Torah
  ___  Book of Mormon
  ___  Koran
  ___  Divine inspiration
  ___  Dead Sea Scrolls
  ___  My mama done tol' me
  ___  Near-death experience
  ___  Near-life experience
  ___  National Public Radio
  ___  Tabloid
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Other (specify): _____________

  2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
  ___  YHVH
  ___  Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
  ___  Jehovah
  ___  Jesus
  ___  Krishna
  ___  Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
  ___  Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
  ___  Allah
  ___  Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
  ___  God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
  ___  God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
  ___  Satan
  ___  None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
  working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
  ___  Yes
  ___  No

  If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
  Please indicate all that apply:
  ___  Not eternal
  ___  Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
  ___  Not omniscient
  ___  Not omnipotent
  ___  Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to
 all creations)
  ___  Permits sex outside of marriage
  ___  Prohibits sex outside of marriage
  ___  Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Bill Clinton)
  ___  Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
  ___  When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
  ___  Requires burnt offerings
  ___  Requires virgin sacrifices
  ___  Plays dice with the universe

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
  Please check all that apply.
  ___  Indoctrinated by parents
  ___  Needed a reason to live
  ___  Indoctrinated by society
  ___  Needed focus in whom to despise
  ___  Imaginary friend grew up
  ___  Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
  ___  Graduated from the tooth fairy
  ___  Hate to think for myself
  ___  Wanted to meet girls/boys
  ___  Fear of death
  ___  Wanted to piss off parents
  ___  Needed a day away from work
  ___  Desperate need for certainty
  ___  Like organ music
  ___  Need to feel morally superior
  ___  Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
  ___  My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

  5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false
  god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
  ___  Mick Jagger
  ___  Rajanish
  ___  Baal
  ___  The almighty dollar
  ___  Bill Gates
  ___  Left-wing liberalism
  ___  Liberal democrats
  ___  The radical right
  ___  Ra
  ___  Beelzebub
  ___  Barney T.B.P.D.[The Big Purple Dinosaur]
  ___  The Great Spirit
  ___  The Great Pumpkin
  ___  The sun
  ___  Elvis
  ___  Cindy Crawford
  ___  The moon
  ___  TV news
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Other: ________________

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
  addition to God? Please check all that apply.
  ___  Tarot
  ___  Lottery
  ___  Astrology
  ___  Television
  ___  Fortune cookies
  ___  Ann Landers
  ___  Psychic Friends Network
  ___  Dianetics
  ___  Palmistry
  ___  Playboy and/or Playgirl
  ___  Self-help books
  ___  Sex, drugs, rock and roll
  ___  Biorhythms
  ___  Alcohol
  ___  Tea leaves
  ___  EST
  ___  AOL
  ___  Mantras
  ___  Jimmy Swaggert
  ___  Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
  ___  Human sacrifice
  ___  Pyramids
  ___  Wandering in a desert
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Barney T.B.P.D.
  ___  Barney Fife
  ___  Other:___________

  7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to
  preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
  Which would you prefer (circle one)?

  a. More divine intervention
  b. Less divine intervention
  c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
  d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?


  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters
  and miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of
  the following

  (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

  Disasters:
  1 2 3 4 5  flood
  1 2 3 4 5  famine
  1 2 3 4 5  earthquake
  1 2 3 4 5  war
  1 2 3 4 5  pestilence
  1 2 3 4 5  plague
  1 2 3 4 5  spam
  1 2 3 4 5  Netcom

  Miracles:
  1 2 3 4 5  rescues
  1 2 3 4 5  spontaneous remissions
  1 2 3 4 5  stars hovering over jerkwater towns
  1 2 3 4 5  crying statues
  1 2 3 4 5  water changing to wine
  1 2 3 4 5  walking on water
  1 2 3 4 5  VCRs that set their own clocks
  1 2 3 4 5  Saddam Hussein still alive
  1 2 3 4 5  getting any sex whatsoever

  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
  improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
  sheet if necessary.)

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  If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one
  of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will
  be entered in the "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing (chances
  of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power,
  depending on number of beings entered.)