CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING THE NEEDY
This is a rather disgusting example of a man who is much to nice for his own good. It is bad enough finding a hair in your soup, let alone someone's heart.
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGES
This seems like a rather odd way to charge batterys, but if it works , why not? Personally, if I had been struck by lightning, I dont think my first thought would be, Hey! Lets go charge up some die hards! Clearly this guy has way to much energy.
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
Everybody knows that trees provide shade and lumber, but this is the first time I've heard of one tracking down a stolen painting. Who knows? if they had a competent, unbiased eucalyptus on the Los Angeles police force, OJ Simpson might be behind bars.
LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES
Well, yes I suppose they can, but why would they want to? Things must be pretty slow in Lansing if people are getting their kicks by dropping off trees. It sounds like a dumb idea to me. For one thing, you might hurt yourself. And the other thing is the tree might arrest you.
PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDERSHERIFF
Ouch! I'm not quite sure what an undersheriff is, but I definitely don't want the job if that is the way they're treated.
ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE
This seems like an extreme form of interrogation. Then again, they used to burn witches in Salem, so maybe this is just the way things are done in Massachusetts.
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Well, what do you expect to find in a cemetery? People dancing the Macarena? How about giving us some details about the typhoon?
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That's what the astronaut gets for eating that pastrami-and -sauerkraut sandwich before takeoff. I mean, you can't exactly open a window up there, you know.
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Well so do grasshoppers and earthworms, but that doesn't mean we should eat them!
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
Enough said!