I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?