Those of you planning long trips may find this amusing.

Here are some actual humorous statements by several airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety 
lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been 
heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are
fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must    smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

 "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught  smoking in the 
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to 
switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but please 
stay inside the plane   till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight  pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business  Express.  We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, 
some of the passengers were beginning  to retrieve luggage from the overhead 
bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom,  "This aircraft is equipped
with a  video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during  taxiing. Any 
passengers not remaining in their seats until  the aircraft comes to a full and 
complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached   our cruising 
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to 
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest 
of the flight."  

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a  voice 
comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop  from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or 
adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your 
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight 
attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane 
must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of 
the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on 
this flight...!

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just  after a very hard 
landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most  bone jarring I've experienced.  The 
flight attendant came on  the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I 
know what  ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines 
fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.....it 
was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had  hammered his ship 
into the runway really hard. The airline   had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at   the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a 
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of  his bad landing, he 
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would 
have a smart comment.    Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little 
old   lady walking with a cane. She said,  "Sonny, mind if I ask  you a 
question?"  "Why no M'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?"   The little old lady said, "Did we land or were 
we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,  on a 
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach  the Captain was 
really having to fight it.  After an extremely   hard landing, the Flight 
Attendant came on the PA and announced,  "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to 
Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the 
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:   "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."