You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane
with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: You refuse the parachute because you'd probably die
from the jump anyway.
Optimist: You refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Lawyer: You charge one parachute for helping them sue the
airline.
Doctor: You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: You sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service employee: You confiscate the parachute
along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: You strip-tease while singing that what they need is
a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.
Scientist: You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: You refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.
Comparative Literature major: You read the parachute instructions
in all four languages.
Computer Science major: You design a machine capable of operating
a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics major: You plot a demand curve by asking them, at
regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalyst: You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.
Drama major: You tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art major: You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to
work hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: After reminding them of their constitutional right
to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
National Rifle Association member: You shoot them and take the
parachute.
Police Bigot: You beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: You refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.
Objectivist: Your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh): You get inside the parachute and
refuse to come out.
Sports Fan: You start betting on how long it will take the plane
to crash.
Auto Mechanic: As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it
works fine.
Ross Perot: You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you
long to learn how to fix a plane.
The Surgeon General: You issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: You explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.