Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?
Ronald Reagan:
I forget.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
David Foot:
"Crossing roads is a young bird's game. We can expect to see a rapiddecline in road-crossing as Canada's chicken population ages. On the other hand, markets for gourmet cornmeal and luxury coops will explore as the poultry-boomers enter their retirement years.
"Jane Austen:
"She had been advised that a number of eligible young roosters wereto be found residing on the opposite side, and that each of these was a gallant rooster possessed of a sound reputation and a secure fortune. To Miss Clucky, whose lack of a husband had recently assumed the aspect of a problem, these tidings were as music."
Alex Trebek:
"Correct. Choose a category."
Jean Chretien:
"I had no involvement with the chicken crossing the road. That was someone else's decision."
Agatha Christie:
"There will be many twists and turns, but by the end of the book the reason it crossed will be clear."
Psychiatrist:
"Tell me why you have this fascination with chickens."
Auto Club member:
"To borrow cables. It was a battery hen."
Faith Popcorn:
Why speculate? Just call her on her cell.
Lucien Bouchard:
That chicken was exercising its sovereign right to cross the road.
Transport minister:
Traffic calming.
Colonel Sanders:
To avoid a luncheon engagement.
Bill Clinton:
It did not cross the road!
Al Capone:
Because the road crossed it, so the chicken had to get even, see?
IOC Selection Committee:
Let's put it this way. If it didn't do what we asked, then its little chicken town wouldn't be hosting the next Olympics.
George Balanchine:
It was part of the choreography - sheer poultry in motion.
James Carville:
Ken Starr was hounding him. Ken Starr is out of control.
Jean Chretien:
Me, I like ketchup on my chicken.
Darwin:
It was trying to evolve into a roadrunner.
Glen Clark:
[NDP {Labour} Premier of British Columbia] I had no say in the decision to issue a crossing permit and, anyway, I paid for those eggs.
John le Carre:
I suspect it was a double-cross.
Canadians:
To apologize for being on this side.
Dr. Kevorkian:
It had a death wish.
Preston Manning:
[leader of the {Canadian} Reform Party] There was no alternative.
Gregor Mendel:
Crossing a chicken and a road ... Hmmm, that's interesting.
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